The Bitter End

The crunch of leaves underfoot is accompanied by the singing of birds and all manner of woodland creatures as I make my way down an unused path. I had to leave the house at sunrise today, to many reminders scattered around and a night of staring at them and thinking of her was making my chest and brain ache. We used to take walks here. That was before they took her legs and finally her life. I don’t know why I chose to come here. It seems counter productive to my goal of not thinking about her, but here I am, walking through her woods trying to distract myself by thinking about the person I don’t want to think about. It will be one year soon. One year since I lost her.

When we met I was at a dead end, no real future or any aspirations or goals, just another cog in the machine. I worked a job I hated that paid just enough for me to not want more. Everyday was the same as the last, get up, get ready for work, work all day then home and drink myself to sleep. Rinse and repeat, like I said, just another cog in the machine. 

She didn’t see that side of me though, the depression and lack of drive to do more. It was there, I didn’t hide it but she just looked through it to find me. It was one of her best qualities, to see the potential and carve it out, I miss that about her. Every challenge was good to her, a way to push yourself to do and be more. Soon after meeting her I was enrolled in night classes and my whole world view was flipped into something else. I had a reason to wake up and push for more. She brought out the best in me. Five years after meeting her I was working my dream job and still pushing harder in life and fighting for more. She was the definition of ambition. 

We met right here, in these woods where I am now. It was a lazy Sunday and I was hung over and feeling sorry for myself. I wanted some sun and nature to brighten my day. I often came here just to get away from life and think. I was here for maybe ten minutes when walking my normal path I spotted a girl standing in the middle of it. She was just standing there with her arms stretched out to her sides with her eyes closed, like she was making herself as big as possible to get more sun on her body. Being hungover and never one to actually want to talk, I started to turn around. I came here for some silence and peace so seeing what i thought was just a strange girl just having a moment really wasn’t what i wanted that day, but as i started to walk back the way i came i stepped on a twig or stick, of course it was the loudest sound imaginable when it snapped. I winced and turned back. She was looking at me now, eyes wide and curious, I started to open my mouth to apologize but before I could I noticed her smile. She wasn’t scared or on edge at the sight of a lone man walking in the woods, she just smiled. It took my breath away. I had never seen a smile like it before or since, it was the kind of smile that you fell in love with. I know this because I did.

Over the course of several years I fell in love with everything about her. All her idiosyncrasies. From the way she would only tuck one foot under the duvet to sleep, to the way she would make herself as small as possible when reading, like she was trying to go into the book. I fell hard and loved the feeling of being in love.

The crash was my fault. We had made plans to see some friends. A game night with snacks and drinks, too many drinks. The plan was to play some nerdy games with nerdy people like us. We did this regularly and it was something we both looked forward to. I used to have a drinking problem before I met her. Nothing bad but it had control over me for a long time. I guess you could have called me a functioning alcoholic. I drank less these days but for some unknown reason, that night I just wanted to drink. So I did. I drank as we played game after game, becoming increasingly drunk and it wasn’t a problem. Well I didn’t see it as a problem anyway. I was just a guy enjoying the night and letting my wants beat my needs. If I could go back.

One of the things I loved most about her was that she let me make my own decisions. I know that isn’t anything special, i mean i’m not a child but in terms of drinking and things i spent my money on. I’d had relationships in the past that were very different, so having this felt like something new. I just wish she had told me to stop sooner that night. 

The night ended and we said our goodbyes to our friends. I was very drunk by this point and could barely even walk to the car, in fact, she had to let me lean on her. The drive home usually would take around thirty minutes, so not long, but for some reason I started to grow impatient. I had noticed that during the night she and our male friend would look at each other for a little too long. I know now that he was planning to propose to his partner and she was in the loop, they were just sharing that secret. I was such a fool. On the drive home I started to raise my voice about them, about how they would sneak into the kitchen and look at each other. I think at one point I even shouted that she should leave me and be with him because that is really what she wanted. The arguing started as she fought back defending herself, saying i have no idea what i’m talking about and seeing things through drunken eyes never did anyone any good. Still I persisted and on a very busy section of road I put my hands on her. I didn’t hit her but it was just the same. I pushed her thinking I had caught her in a lie and that’s when it happened. She lost control of the car and we went skidding into the barrier on the road with the car flipping upside down. The doctors later told me she had broken some bones and she had lots of internal bleeding. The thing that hurt the most though was when they told her she would never walk again. 

The next days were horrific. Everything just went from bad to worse. Something was trapped and the doctors couldn’t do anything. Her legs became black from lack of blood and then the infections came. She couldn’t fight, deep down I don’t think she wanted to. Something had broken deep within her and she gave up. The doctors came with solutions but she was already gone by then, mentally and emotionally. They said she could live but they would have to remove her legs. She said no of course but the following days she slipped into a coma. I was given the choice. So I said yes. I told them I wanted her to live and that they could do anything that was needed to keep her going. She died on the table.

You know the ending of this story, it is not a happy one. That already happened before you got here. I would tell that story but I don’t think I want to. This is a story about loss, about how, sometimes things just go bad and there is nothing you can do. Sometimes all you can do is fight until the bitter end and still lose. I could move on and live but I died with her. Living without her is not living, it’s just coping and hoping and I have done enough of that. So here I am, in the spot we met, ready to meet her again.